I'm intrigued by the film "Teeth". Anyone out there seen it yet? There's something interesting about the whole vagina dentata myth, don't you think?

I wonder if this is a good "date" film. What do you think?

In a country like Japan, where it seems that there is much worry about the falling birth-rate, you'd think they'd make it easier for a woman to give birth. But when you have ten or twenty hospitals turning women away when they arrive to give birth or have complications around their pregnancies, it's no wonder that fewer women want to have children. In an article in the Japan times, there is a second case of hospitals turning pregnant women away having no beds or too many surgeries on the day that these women show up. In this article, the woman miscarried although they are not sure if it was why she was going to the hospital or by the accident the ambulance got into on the way to the next hospital.

You'd think they'd be more attentive to the future generation because of the current worries about low birth-rates, non?

Last week, a new student came to my office and talked with me. It's a little heart-warming to see a young person who is just starting off on the next part of their life journey - they have so much hope and so many dreams. It makes me think of those days that I've had in my past. In fact, it was a recent as yesterday (for a few minutes)

Anyway, after talking to this person for a while, he started with all of the questions with the staff here. Are you married? Do you have children? How old are you? When he got around to me (after telling my supervisor who is similar in age to me that she looked late 40's/early 50's), he told me that he thought I was around 32 years old. I thanked him and then broke the news to him. I think that he's still in shock.

Hopes and dreams are funny things. I still have so many that two hands don't have enough fingers to count them. I don't let the fact that I am over 40 dictate what I should be like or where I should be at this time. Perhaps the fact that I don't have children is a contributor but I always tell folk younger than me to follow their hearts. Otherwise, they'll turn bitter - like I can be sometimes.

It's been easier to take the more positive perspective lately. I'm not sure why. I just think that there are times to work towards something and that time has come. I'm going to try to pursue the easier ones in hope of moving on the more difficult ones. It'll all work out in the long run.

While on my lunch break today, I was reading a column entitled "In Violence We Trust" (by Tom Carson) about how the move towards more and more violence in movies is a direct result of movie-makers hang-ups about sex. We used to talk about sex & violence in films and now it's mostly violence. This article suggested that people like George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, Frances Coppola and Quentin Tarantino have all got sexual hang-ups thus avoiding the topic of sex and increasing the violence quotient. I found it amusing that the writer mentions that the first naked women seen in a Spielberg film were those women in the concentration camps in "Shindler's List".

What do you think? Could this be true? Are filmmakers scared of portraying true human sexuality in their work? Or, do you think that it's the product of a war-mongering, ultra-right government in that country to the south of mine to turn people's thoughts from pre-marital or adulterous sex to patriotism? After all, they really need to have support for the freaking mess they've got themselves into in Afghanistan and Iraq.

Actually, I have to agree with the article. Perhaps people are just so uptight about sexuality that they don't think it should be reflected in film. Most of those that they talked about in the article were men. You'd think that it would be far from uptight in that industry because men seem much more open about it. I guess things are not necessarily like they are perceived.

So what's the option for people who want to see more sex in film? Looks like we'll all have to make more trips to the adult movie section. Or, we could check out what the guys at TAG are doing...

Leave a comment and tell me what you think. I find this whole topic quite interesting...

Okay, so I've managed to finally finish that book on how to get everything you want in life. My recommendation? Avoid the book like the plague. Unless you want a life where your job is the thing you love most in the world and your family plays backseat to that. This woman, Bonnie Fuller, must have had a life that was so empty, she started to compensate by finding the busiest and most unforgiving jobs. So what if she has four children and a husband? They seem to play second fiddle to her career.

What I want to know is what is wrong with wanting to be a full-time mom if one wants to be? This woman says you should go on with your career and take the family along for the ride. Now, I'm not saying that if you want to work, that you shouldn't. It may be fine for some. However, in my mind, if you've made the commitment to bring a beautiful young creature into the world, then it's also your responsibility to ensure that it gets all of the attention and education that it deserves. And frankly, I wouldn't give that responsibility to anyone else. Not because I don't trust them but because I made the decision to commit to their needs and development.

Anyway, I won't be reading any of this woman's other stuff, that's for sure.

Now, it's on to the good stuff. Reading for the joy of reading.

It's hard to believe that summer is coming to the end. Soon, we'll be seeing all the kiddies with their new backpacks and fall wardrobes going to school. I always liked this time of year when I was a child. I really loved the smell in the air when autumn rolled around. I loved going back to school even though I was never the coolest kid on the block. I left that crap for all of the others that really cared about it.

I was thinking once of an experience that I had in elementary school. I was on a tire swing and it wasn't unusual to twist the rope of that swing up so that you could spin around in circles really fast. I wasn't usually that into that kind of thing but one day, allowed myself to be convinced by some particularly mean girls to try it out. They twisted and twisted and then when they could no more, they let go. I spun for about five revolutions and then feeling totally free (or maybe it was just dizziness) let go. It was weird because I landed in the dust under the swing. It was all pretty much a blur but when I came to my senses, those same girls were laughing.

Now, one could say that I would have really resented them. But, I got up and dusted myself off knowing in my mind that for once, I could let go of the control that I so needed to have and feel totally free. They didn't know anything about how I was feeling. They just thought that I felt foolish. They were wrong.

The funny thing is that I remember the spinning, the free fall and the feeling and smell of the dust. It wasn't a bad thing at all. It's funny when one can take that experience and make it a good thing.

So, I leave you with that. No matter what there is that is bad in our lives, we can always choose to make it a positive thing.

Have a great day everyone!

B+

My online friend Mister Anchovy informed me of the Fall Reading Challenge that he's joined. Now that I've finished my literature class, it sounds like a really good idea. After all, while I love autumn, it's also the time of year that I start to feel a little down. It might be good to have something to keep my mind off the darkness.

Right now, I am reading a book that my friend gave me on my birthday entitled "The Joys of Much Too Much" by Bonnie Fuller . It's a "how to" book for women on how to get it all. Personally, I don't really get into these types of books because it's the antithesis of everything I stand for. However, I think that my friend is tired of hearing me moan about not being in the perfect job and why I haven't been able to land the man that is perfect for me. It's not really on my reading list but I suppose I'll have to finish it to see if there is anything I'm missing.

The one book that I want to read is "The Steep Approach to Garbadale" by Iain Banks. I've got it sitting on my desk but it had to wait until after I read the final Harry Potter book (done) and finished my class.

I also think that I'll get around to reading "Animal Farm" which I've never really gotten around to.

Anyway, I'll have to think more about books. Lately, I've just been reading the newspaper mainly just so that I could do the daily sudoku. When I do come up with a list, I'll try to remember to include it here.

Anyone else got anything they'd like to read?

This morning, I had a "Man, I should have brought my camera" moment. It's possible that I might be able to capture it again but highly doubtful. I'll try tomorrow.

What was this moment? Well, on my walk into Royal Roads University, I passed by the house at the entrance gate and saw the sunflowers that I have seen for the last couple of weeks. However, today, the first sunflower in the bunch had a spider perched on top. I didn't see it at first, but upon second glance, there it was. It wasn't tarantula size and it wasn't hurting anyone. It was just there sitting on the petals. (Had it been tarantula size, I would have ran screaming, that'd be sure)

It was just one of those unassuming moments that happens that reminds me that one should always have a camera...

I've encountered many spiders on this campus. Once, maybe a year ago, I would walk down to a very sturdy wooden bus shelter at the bottom of the hill and I could always depend on seeing a very diligent spider building it's web. Actually, that would be rebuilding it's web because the place that it chose to build it was quite windy. Over a four month period, I could see my little friend. Ironically, even though I have a spider phobia, this little creature helped me through a very difficult time. If it could perservere through everything that it encountered, then so could I...

As of yesterday at 11 am PST, I am no longer a student of first-year literature. My class ended as quietly as it had started with a quiz on short stories and Amy Tan's "The Kitchen God's Wife". It went relatively well until after the instructor had posted information on the marks for our final essay. Some of my classmates returned to the room that the rest of use were still writing the exam in and started a discussion with the instructor about why the marks weren't posted already. (They didn't read that they would be posted soon)

This caused a huge distraction for me and thus I was unable to gain back my focus. I'm sure that I did alright but the distraction started a chain reaction of unrelated ideas which finished with the realization that I hadn't put on any mascara that morning. I just couldn't shake the horror of knowing that there was nothing to balance out the incredibly glittery eyeliner that I am accustomed to wearing. That was the moment I knew that I had lost my writing edge...

Regardless, I slogged through the last 45 minutes and finished things up. I'm now officially finished my class and the weird work shift that I was doing to make up time. It made me realize that I should probably not work full-time and take a course at the same time.

That said, I really must say that I enjoyed this Literature class even though I don't see much point in ripping apart other people's writing. This class had an awesome instructor, awesome classmates and some pretty interesting reading. It also helped me to realize things about my own writing and perhaps now I can get off my ass and actually write a book and thus check that "To Do" thing of the rather long list that I have.

Now I am free to have a social life and not feel guilty.

I also will remember to put mascara on before I leave the house in the morning...

The Root is Creativity

This diagram was generated on the Visual Thesaurus site. Start with one word and create a diagram with alternate words. This one is actuality started with the word creativity and then by touching the small coloured circles, you can explore all sorts of other words.

Tres cool, non?

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this but I've been treated for depression. The first time was over a decade ago and at the time, I felt like it saved me from the unhappiness with myself that I was experiencing and it gave me focus. I was thankful to feel better.

The treatment wasn't particularly fun at first but after a month of vomitting because of the drugs, things started to look better. I was focussed and things were so much clearer. The trouble was that I felt numb and while I didn't feel unhappy, I also was unable to feel that crazy joy I had when things were going particularly well.

When I felt better, I weaned myself off of the drugs and for a while things were great. Then, it came back, with a vengeance. I tried the treatment again but I just vomitted again and I felt that enough was enough. I had to understand why this was happening to me. So I began to ask questions...

I eventually found my way to a naturopathic doctor that helped me to see that my bad eating habits and lack of sleep were definitely contributing to my condition. Once I started eating more vegetables and less of the crap as well as start sleeping enough, my emotional and mental states improved. I thought I'd had it all figured out. And, I was correct in this thinking.

I sometimes think back to the time that my general practice physician convinced me that I should take the medication for depression and at the time her argument seemed to make sense. After all, what could it hurt if I felt better? In hindsight though, it scares me to think that a drug like Prozac can take control of one's entire nervous centre. And while I know that this same doctor was acting on the information that she had of my condition, I question if I was ever really clinically depressed.

Why am I discussing this today? Well, because I read an article in the Guardian online about depression being over-diagnosed.

Over the years since my diagnosis, I have done plenty of thinking about how in today's society, everyone wants a quick fix to all situations. This is especially true in the field of health as well. We all want to feel better now and don't think of what the after effects that all of these medications will have. We don't want to work on things we just want to have it all now. I think this is what really makes things like antidepressants, anti-anxiety drugs, or for that matter any of those kinds of drugs and eve common cold medicines so accepted.

When I was a kid, if we caught something like chicken pox, all the kids in the play group had then and our bodies built up a resistance to them. That's what the human machine does. And, if your "machine" is incapable of fighting it off, then it can be fatal. That was the nature of the human body.

Now, don't get me wrong. I know that there are people out there who are fighting depression that truly do need to have the help. In my case though, I managed to turn things around by changing my habits. Was I depressed? Probably. But, was it really because I was trying to keep up but not eating properly, not sleeping at all and drinking way too much coffee and just not treating my body with the respect it deserves? Yes, definitely.

I think that we all need to slow down and take a look at that forest or mountain and realize that we have to take time for ourselves. Not just once in a while but every day. It will make us all feel better in the long run.

Right now, I'm typing with my window open and the wind is blowing into the room and coaxing my windchime to sing its song. Sure, it's not sunny but I feel joy in the sound of the bell and gentle breeze blowing around me.

And that's something to be truly happy about...

Late addition: I read this in the local newspaper and must add it as it is related to depression. Published research has suggested that there is evidence that Omega 3 fatty acids could act as an antidepressant. In my case, ingesting fish oil was definitely one of the factors that helped me. I don't eat fish and so this would mean that I was missing some food components that were most definitely having an effect on my body.

I don't know about you but I have always admired Jodie Foster.

This article reminds me of why. There's something about an intelligent and well-adjusted person that renews one's faith in people. It also reminds me that although it's alright to swim with the other fish, it's not such a bad thing to do your own thing...

I've done it! I finished the last paper for my Lit. class! One more quiz (next Monday) and I'll be done!

See? I was right. There is such a thing as too much coffee...

Read about a 17 year old girl that overdosed on the stuff. (Before you say anything, at least it wasn't another teenager dead from an illicit drug overdose.)

This is precisely the reason that I no longer drink coffee. One too many anxiety attacks was enough to put me off it for life.

Speaking of coffee, did you hear about the cafe in Vancouver that sells a cup of coffee for $15? Man, and I thought the price of a latte was bad. I guess that I just don't understand how something that can be made at home for under a dollar can be justified in a selling price fifteen times higher. You can be sure that this blogger won't be trying it out but if anyone out there has any reviews, let me know. (Any TAG members still hanging out in Van?) I might even send you a couple of bucks to contribute to the selling price.

Now that I've had breakfast and my first glass of water of the day, there's no turning back...

I've been noticing that this blog has been visited by someone in Dublin, Ireland lately. That intrigues me because I don't know anyone in that country.

So, if you are out there and care to identify yourself, you can either email me or drop a comment...

Oh, and have a great day!

This big persona is protecting something far more delicate. It is strong on first glance, yet if given the opportunity, one can see past the facade. It seems unbreakable yet the truth of the matter is that it is already broken. It's been mended with experience but is ever so fragile. (Lola, 2007)

So where did that come from? I don't really know. I was sending an email to a friend about an ongoing situation when I realized that I was scared of something. It's something that we're all afraid of. Someone we really care about leaving.

I'm sure that we've all had our share of these kinds of experience. Yet today, it just popped into my mind. I was reminded of a time, long ago, that one person that I cared about and could confess anything too, moved on. It was not a pleasant split but eventually, time (and a very pushy friend of ours) forced us together again. It went well, until one more time, we have lost touch. And this time, I have a feeling that the connection is permanently broken.

One could get over it and learn to trust again. Learn to put the lament to the side and move on. Yet, there is always that feeling if one trusts too much, it will be lost.

And, here I sit writing about this. Where did this come from? Have I just been affected by the study of literature over the last couple of weeks? Of the romantic idea of art? I tend to think that is where the feeling came from. Part of it is probably some friends throwing a curve ball at me by making observations about a decision that I had made and caused me to review it. I won't change things because to believe it all would mean opening old situations up again. They aren't wounds. They are kind of like the story of "Araby" by James Joyce? Kind of like "Aw geez! How could I have believed that?"

Anyway, I'm going to shake the cobwebs of this situation off now. This is not a dire situation. In fact, quite the opposite. I feel good. Writing is good! (and perhaps I could actually make some money at it...)

For those of you who are interested, I did manage to survive the birthday celebrations over the weekend.

Dinner on Friday was wonderful even though there'd been a drive-by shooting in one of the neighbourhoods and thus caused a whole bunch of lateness because neighbourhoods had been shut down (E, I hope that your car is alright). The company was great, the food was great and boy was that rental car helpful! Thanks everyone.

Saturday was quiet. Visited Sidney with Sami and went to go and see the film "Sunshine". It was, can I say, interesting and the cast was pretty international.

Sunday, I went out to Saanich, went shopping and then went to the Victoria Electronic Music Festival with some friends (Thanks S & S). Every second performer was good but the odd ones were the type of performers that pretty much suck the energy out of people. One of those was ill-esha. Not only did she have no energy but I don't really think that her music could have been considered electronic. Another uninteresting one was vespers. I don't know what it is about people who sing over dance music. Pretty much everything else was great.

Anyway, it's Monday and a holiday and so all of this fun will soon end. Take care and have a great week.

The night sky is filled with sound. I cannot see it. I can simply hear shot after shot until the sky is filled with the sounds of an air attack. It's frightening but also mildly comforting. I turn up the television to drown out the distraction and focus on something other than the noise outside.

I'm a visitor here and I wonder what is happening. People on the street are running but not away from the noise. They hurry along the sidewalks towards the sounds that are filling the sky. Hmmm. I think about how unsettling it is that they are running to slaughter. Why are they doing this?

Police fill the streets and block off all of the main thoroughfares and the back alleys. No one can escape. They drive around with panicked looks on their faces. Where are they going?

I look around to see if buildings are falling in the city. If I hadn't known better, I would have thought that there was some sort of terrorist activity happening in the city of Vancouver. However, I was very aware that there was another fireworks display at English Bay. I think that tonight was a display by the group from China who were participating in the annual fireworks competition here in Vancouver.